“Now that we’re done with civics for the day, it’s unreasoned homophobia quiz time!”

Apple is rather obnoxiously picky about how an app gets included into the iTunes Store.

However, the Android app store needs to pick up a little more pickiness. There is an app out there, in the “20 Questions” neighborhood, that is supposed to show whether or not your son is gay.

No, really. Here are the questions, along with the answers my parents would have given:

  • Before he was born, did you wish for a girl? (no, my parents didn’t)
  • Has he ever been in a fight? (no)
  • Does he read the sports page in he newspaper? (no)
  • Is his best friend a girl? (yes)
  • Does he like team sports? (no!)
  • Is he modest? (yes)
  • Is he a fan of divas (Madonna, Britney Spears)? (not really)
  • Does he spend a long time in the bathroom? (inordinate amounts of time)
  • Does he have piercings in his tongue, nose or ears? (no)
  • Do you wonder about your son’s sexual orientation? (yes)
  • Are you divorced? (no)
  • Does he like musical comedies? (hate ‘em)
  • Has he ever introduced you to a girlfriend? (yes)
  • Is his father a very authoritarian person? (yes!)
  • Within your family, is the father absent at all? (yes, somewhat)
  • During his childhood, was he timid or discreet? (yes)
  • Does he have a complicated relationship with his father? (yes)
  • Does he take a long time to do his hair? (yes)
  • Does he like to dress well: is he very careful when choosing his outfits and selecting brands? (no)
  • Does he like football? (no!)

(I flunked 13 out of 20. That doesn’t make me gay — and I’m not.)

The saddest thing about this pitiful attempt to determine a son’s sexual orientation is not that it helps parents avoid the personal, trusting relationship that would allow open communication about a child’s preferences. It’s also not the childishly inept attempt to classify sexual preference based on clumsy, inexact, meaningless questions that perpetuate stereotypes and promote unreasoned fear about whether a son likes or dislikes something as meaningless as football (FFS!).

The saddest thing about the app is this picture of the mother that comes bundled with the app:

"The horror! The...horror!"

Note the carefully staged photography, showing a terrified mother on the brink of a horrible discovery about her son. Her expression is that of someone who’s about to open the closet door and find her child performing some morally bankrupt ritual such as…admiring the shiny bedspreads in the Sears catalog.

What utter bullshit.

Whoever paid for and spearheaded this app’s creation richly deserves the Dumbass of the Day Award.

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