Category Archives: Sexual hijinx

The definition of puritanism

H. L. Mencken once said that puritanism was “the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy”.

Here is a modern-day Puritan:

“First, masturbation can be a form of homosexuality because it is a sexual act that does not involve a woman. If a man were to masturbate while engaged in other forms of sexual intimacy with his wife then he would not be doing so in a homosexual way. However, any man who does so without his wife in the room is bordering on homosexuality activity, particularly if he’s watching himself in a mirror and being turned on by his own male body.”

and

“Also, in Ezekiel 23:18–21, God says, ‘When she carried on her whoring so openly and flaunted her nakedness, I turned in disgust from her, as I had turned in disgust from her sister. Yet she increased her whoring, remembering the days of her youth, when she played the whore in the land of Egypt and lusted after her paramours there, whose members were like those of donkeys, and whose issue was like that of horses. Thus you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when the Egyptians handled your bosom and pressed your young breasts.’ God basically called his people tramps for lifting up their shirts like it was Mardi Gras and chasing men with huge penises and semen emissions like fire hoses.”

Thanks, Reverend Mark Driscoll, for yet another vehement display of badly-closeted homosexuality, badly disguised as Christian “teachings”.

Get a room, guy.

Political dumbassery of the day–sodomy

Here’s a small but significant reminder of why concerned citizens must remain vigilant.

In 2003, the U.S. Supreme Court heard the case Lawrence v. Texas. In that case it was decided that the Texas law that made sodomy illegal was unconstitutional. By extension any law in any state that punished those who practice any sex other than penis-in-vagina is also unconstitutional.

Yet here we are, 8 years later, and there are still anti-sodomy laws on the books in 18 states:

  • Alabama  class A misdemeanor > maximum 1 year/$6000 fine
  • Florida class 2 misdemeanor > maximum 60 days/$500 fine
  • Georgia    1-20 years
  • Idaho    minimum 5 years
  • Kansas    class B misdemeanor > maximum 6 months
  • Louisiana    maximum 5 years, $2000 fine
  • Maryland    maximum 10 years, $1000 fine
  • Massachusetts    maximum 20 years
  • Michigan    felony > maximum 15 years
  • Minnesota    maximum 1 year, $3000 fine
  • Mississippi    maximum 10 years
  • Montana    maximum 10 years, $50000 fine
  • North Carolina    class 1 felony
  • Oklahoma    maximum 10 years
  • South Carolina    felony > maximum 5 years/$500 fine
  • Texas    class C misdemeanor > maximum $500 fine
  • Utah    class B misdemeanor > maximum 6 months/$1000 fine
  • Virginia    class 6 felony > 1-5 years/$2500 fine

In Georgia and Massachusetts, you could get 20 years. In Virginia, both Carolinas, and Michigan, you could be labelled a felon.

Is this what they mean by “states’ rights”?

The map describing this situation is also illuminating:

Please note that 12 of the 18 states are in the south, and three of the remaining six are heavily influenced by the Mormon church.

Also please note that a legally married gay couple in Massachusetts commits a crime punishable by up to 20 years’ imprisonment every time they have sex.

Proof *positive* that abstinence education really works! Oh, wait…

It seems that Track Palin, brother of Bristol Palin (America’s most famous unwed mother these days) is going to make Sarah “Mama Grizzly Bear Deer Hunter Wolf Shooter ‘Drill, baby, drill!’” Palin a grandmother twice over.

See the lovely picture of Britta Palin and her baby shower gifts?

I think the jumbo pack of Pampers is a classy touch.

Oh, wait…

Mr. Track and Mrs. Track got married in May. She looks *wow* more pregnant than 3 months.

Oh, wait…

Sarah Palin should write a book about how not to teach your children not to have sex before marriage.

Oh, wait…

(Please note that I don’t give a rat’s rear end about whether or not Mr. and Mrs. Track nailed each other 18 times a day on the kitchen table for the years leading up to their marriage. What they do to each other consensually is no one else’s damned business.

(What I do give a rat’s rear end about is the abject hypocrisy of neo-cons and fundie nutbags about how they live a morally superior life, when it turns out that they’re just like everyone else–except more self-righteous. Cue Pillhead Limbaugh and gay meth-smoker Haggard.)

(Much thanks to The Spouse® for the hot tip and for pointing out Sarah Palin’s obvious confusion between “no sex before marriage” and “drill, baby, drill!”)

Wanton infantilization

U.S. Representative Anthony Weiner (D-New York) got horny, climbed onto the internet porn train, did some sexting and cock shots to women (none of whom was his wife), and got caught.

What is he guilty of? Poor judgement, and lying about what he did.

That’s it. That’s all.

However, reporters didn’t want it to stop there. They were asking him if he were ill, or on drugs. Some real scholar of humanity asked, “Why would you do this after you were married?”

Do you read your own goddamned paper, pinhead?? I hear myself cry out. Weiner seems to have a normal level of sexuality, and what he did is something that people will do when they’re horny. It called libido. You often get in trouble when libido overrides good judgement, and it’s as simple and as human as that.

When I meet someone who looks for an excuse for moral transgressions by invoking infantilization (“it’s not my fault!”) for themselves and others, I give them a wide berth. As Harlan Ellison says,

“I don’t care that your mommy did bad things to you, stop doing that!”

I’d go further. I’d say such excuse-seekers should be smacked over the head with heavy mining equipment.

“I say we take off and nuke the site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.”

Sometimes I get tired enough of the corruption in Washington that the above quote from Aliens sounds like a reasonable course of action.

It seems there is a less honest reason why Newt Gingrich and his current wife Callista managed to snag an interest-free, $500,000-limit credit account with Tiffany & Co., the high-end jewelry retailer.

Ms. Gingrich, formerly among the collection of women Mr. Gingrich bedded while married to wives #1 and #2, used to be a high-level staffer with the federal Department of Agriculture; the DoA oversees federal mining concerns, and Tiffany & Co. mines for silver within the United States.

How convenient.

Anyone still want to vote for this man?

 

“It’s the context, the *context*, that’s important!”

The above quote is from George Carlin, who was referring to “dirty words”. He said there was no such thing as “dirty words”. He claimed that words, in and of themselves, were morally neutral. It was the context in which the words were used that was important. Richard Pryor called himself a nigger; that didn’t make him a racist.

A recent Gallup poll underlines a similar issue:

The poll, while it displays a heartening increase in societal tolerance of homosexuality, is derived from a mistaken assumption; it assumes there is a moral dimension to sex itself.

The act of sex (any sort of sex) is morally neutral; it’s the context of the act that is important. Was it consensual? Was it done to hurt someone? Was it done in an act of dishonesty? The context might make it immoral.

Given that, there should be no question about the morality of homosexuality, or its legal status. Proper laws must derive from an ethical or moral lapse. You do something wrong? You should be punished.

Name one thing that is morally or objectively wrong about homosexuality. I’ll wait.

(cricketchirpcricketchirp)

You can’t, because there isn’t anything morally or objectively wrong about it.

“Please pardon the sound of leather upon flesh, thank you.”

Jack Haggerty bought himself a San Francisco (Glen Park, for those who track such things) condo to move into after his divorce. It had decent BART access and a backyard for his 10-year-old son.

Unfortunately, it also had a leather sex enthusiast downstairs.

When Haggerty got ready to replace the carpet and pad on his floors with tile (to help deal with allergies), the truth outed itself.

“He’s [the neighbor] entitled to his life,” Haggerty says. “I just wish I’d known sooner.”

The downstairs neighbor objected to the carpet removal, stating that his sexual preference would then be hear clearly by Haggerty and his son:

“I am a sexual enthusiast and enjoy leather sex…at times, it is possible and even likely that the sounds of leather sex will be coming from my bedrooms to your bedrooms without an effective sound barrier. While it is not my issue, you may find you need to explain things to your son as it could be confusing to him since it frequently doesn’t sound as pleasurable as it is.”

The realtor made no mention of the unique quality of the living accommodations. Rob Rogers of Zephyr Real Estate said he was under no obligation to disclose Haggerty’s neighbor’s sexual preferences, since the carpet apparently muffled the sounds sufficiently.

Video Thursday

This is an oldie but a goodie. NSFW: