“Mr. Johnson? Please sit down. I’d like to discuss your job application and particulars.

“Let me first say that you have an impressive resume. We think you’d be a a real asset. I have just a few questions I need to ask you.

“First — I’m sure you also noticed that list of the works of literature that we will no longer offer our students here.

“Well, I thought you’d be curious about some of the choices in that list. Yes, no more Salinger. Such awful language. And Vonnegut is completely unacceptable. I’m afraid that Chaucer will have to be removed as well. A pity — Canterbury Tales is one of my personal favorites, but then we cannot have our charges exposed to such trash.

“We will be eliminating Shakespeare from our curricula, and removing Shakespeare compendiums from the library — rape, dismemberment, cannibalism, sex outside of marriage. All most definitely unsuitable and now quite illegal.

“Yes, we will have to expunge our dictionaries from the campuses. Most of them contain obscene words.

“Oh, and we have a few requirements of our instructors, and for you as well if you take the proffered position. You will not be allowed to have sex ever — that would be conduct unbecoming. And you will not be allowed to urinate at any time, either. I’m afraid both of those activities are not allowed by the rules of the FCC, and as such are now against the law.

“I hope those won’t not be large inconveniences for you. We’re just keeping everyone in line with the new state law.

“So…will you be joining us for the next fall term here at the University of Arizona?”