How to make sure your child doesn’t grow up to be an atheist

Do not educate them, or expose them to critical thinking, logic, or science.

Lie to them constantly about how the world works. Feed them a steady diet of mumbo-jumbo dressed up like real knowledge, and pretend that it is deep wisdom.

Make them loathe their own natural bodies and functions. Convince them they are small and weak and worthless and in need of redemption. Tell them everything enjoyable is grievously wrong to even think about, and that their only fun should be in grovelling to an invisible superior being.

Ensure that they resent anyone who is not like them in every way — skin color, nationality, political opinion, but especially creed. Make such people out to be evil and vile and give them the fictional power to somehow oppress and persecute the majority who do think like you.

Teach them to laugh at and dismiss out of hand any faith but their own.

Instruct them with all severity and import to never question for themselves, to never think for themselves, to never live for themselves, but to seek answers only in one — just one — particular set of semi-literate bronze-age folk tales.

Above all (and this cannot be overemphasized), make sure they cannot spell, use correct grammar, or understand basic English words.

That should do the trick.

(This came from a UK Yahoo Answers column from “Dave M.”, so I can’t give proper credit.)
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9 comments on “How to make sure your child doesn’t grow up to be an atheist

  1. Larry says:

    Thank GOD this is anti-religious. When I thought this “oh here we go” and got ready to feel like hurting myself.

    If you want to make sure they do become an atheist, force them to read the Bible cover to cover. Filling their mind with such sick stories of sacrifice, slavery, rape and murder is surely enough to deconvert anyone.

    • Duane says:

      That will only work if you can keep them from masturbating at the good parts.

    • Buffalo says:

      You can’t be reading the same Bible as the rest of us….

      • Larry says:

        The immorality starts at page one, where Adam and Eve had no sense of right or wrong, and thus should not have been punished for merely eating a fruit. After that, it’s a tale of misogyny, homophobia, murder, vengeance and subordination to one of the most wicked characters of fiction. It brightens up a lot in the New Testament, although God seems to want to break up families and put him above everyone else in that one. Overall it’s an interesting work, but it certainly isn’t a good moral guide.

      • givesgoodemail says:

        Rebuttals? More substantive comments?

  2. Ted says:

    Yeah, I hate those Christians. They should be tolerant of other people’s beliefs like us! Oh, wait…

    • givesgoodemail says:

      Most Christians I know are tolerant of others’ beliefs, and the same is true of most of the atheists I know. It’s the extremists in all camps that are the intolerant ones.
      However, there is at least one big difference between extremist atheists and fundamentalist religionists. Extreme atheists don’t starve their kids because the kids refuse to believe what they believe. Extreme atheists don’t chop the heads off of “infidels” when someone burns a copy of The God Delusion.

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  4. Natalia H says:

    Do all of the above if you want your child to be a sadistic moron who is blindfolded from the real world. By loathing all other beings and traditions, you are basically asking people to murder them for you

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