“Ya know, boah, somtahms reality jist grabs yuh ‘n shakes th’ livin’ daylights outtaya.”

Take a moment. Sit back and relax. Close your eyes. Take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Consciously relax and take a long moment to recenter yourself.

Done? Good.

Now look at this article:

Click to enbiggen

Do you feel your blood pressure rising? Can you feel that catch in your breath as you see the headline and its accompanying photo of women in a long line in a beautiful, sun-lit mall, going to get their abortions?

Before you snuff your own life with a cerebral aneurysm, look just above that picture at this:

It’s satire, folks. It’s a joke.

Planned Parenthood does not run a big-box mall storefront for women who are getting abortions. Never have. Never will. Really.

What Planned Parenthood does offer are breast cancer screenings (the Komen Foundation’s pathetic attempts at stopping them notwithstanding), reduced-price and free contraceptives distribution (mostly condoms and birth control pills), sex education and anti-STD education programs, and well-women gynecology examinations. Less than 3% of PP’s budget is used for abortion referrals.

Remember, though, that anti-choice zealots often have no sense of humor or reality:

Could someone tell Congresscritter Fleming that Reality is on line 2 and Humor is on line 3 for him? They’re both pissed off.

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How the stupid burns!

Oklahoma state representative Ralph Shortey (a Republican, natch) wants to staunch his state’s rampant problems with cannibalism.

After performing some “research”, he has decided to introduce state senate bill 1418 to the Oklahoma state legislature in order to prevent anyone in the state from using aborted fetuses as a food ingredient.

This is not a story from the Onion. Really.

It has been suggested by NPR that Shortey got a little confused about Senomyx’s use of embryonic kidney cells in the 1970s, and how PepsiCo was involved in this process.

Or perhaps Shortey is just a dumbass.

 

“What do the simple folk do?”

“Smaller government and less spending!”

These words of Ron Paul echo through the airwaves and across the intertubz. However, it’s obvious that these words haven’t quite reached his travel agency.

Ron Paul has spent more than $52,000 on airline tickets (31 round trips and 12 one-ways) over the last two years, all of them in first-class seating. Traveling in coach would have cut that bill in half.

When asked about this, Paul staffers claim the Congressman must have flexible, changeable fares. However, most of those tickets were bought at least two weeks in advance and didn’t require schedule changes.

As Horseman #4 (one of my sons) commented, “Well, he certainly can’t be seen in coach with the poor people, can he?”

“Oh, and I think the U.S. Embassy in Tehran hasn’t been open in, oh, 32 years.”

From the Washington Post:

Jane Schmidt, a student at Waverly High School, in Waverly, Iowa, recently asked Michele Bachmann, “Why can’t same-sex couples get married?”

“They can get married,” Bachmann responded, “but they abide by the same law as everyone else. They can marry a man if they’re a woman. Or they can marry a woman if they’re a man.”

Uh, Ms. Bachmann, in Iowa same-sex couples can get married. Just thought you’d like that news flash.

And, oh yeah! I think it’s peachy keen that you urge people who aren’t sexually compatible to get married. Way to go, Mrs. Ladybird.

Talk about thieves in the night.

I wrote the other day about how the Right likes to use truths in deceitful ways in order to make their cases.

Here’s another example. This is a picture from a National Organization for Marriage (NOM) site aimed at repeal of New Hampshire’s same-sex marriage law:

Here is a picture taken of a rally for then presidential candidate Barack Obama last November. This rally was attended by 60,000 people.

Look familiar?

NOM and its political siblings cannot openly demonstrate how many people show up to their rallies, because the numbers can be measured in tens, not tens of thousands. They therefore steal resources from the very people they publicly revile.

(The family and I went to NOM’s “Summer of Marriage” rally in St. Paul last summer. They might have had 30 supporters, and there were more counter-protestors than that.)

Dumbasses.

50 dumbass quotes from conservatives

Shrub himself

“When the President does it, that means that it’s not illegal.” ~ Richard M. Nixon

“We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease.” ~ President George W. Bush

“The only way to reduce the number of nuclear weapons is to use them.” ~ Rush Limbaugh

”My grandmother was not a highly educated woman, but she told me as a small child to quit feeding stray animals. You know why? Because they breed. You’re facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a person ample food supply. They will reproduce, especially ones that don’t think too much further than that. And so what you’ve got to do is you’ve got to curtail that type of behavior. They don’t know any better.” ~ South Carolina Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer, arguing against government food assistance for poor residents.

“The ACLU is to Christians what the American Nazi party is to Jews.” ~ Jerry Falwell

”Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you.” ~ Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-North Carolina)

”We need to uptick our image with everyone, including one-armed midgets.” ~ Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele.

“You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.” ~ George W. Bush

”Feminism was established so as to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream of society.” ~ Rush Limbaugh

“I couldn’t imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Chanukah.” ~ President George W. Bush

“Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn’t even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas.” ~ Rep. Michelle Bachmann

”The greatest threat to America is not necessarily a recession or even another terrorist attack. The greatest threat to America is a liberal media bias.” ~ Rep. Lamar Smith (R-TX)

“He is purple – the gay-pride color, and his antenna is shaped like a triangle – the gay pride symbol.” ~ Jerry Falwell’s warning to parents that “Tinky Winky,” a character on Teletubbies, may be gay

“Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.” ~ Dan Quayle

”The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.” ~ Pat Robertson

“Ground Zero Mosque supporters: doesn’t it stab you in the heart, as it does ours throughout the heartland? Peaceful Muslims, please refudiate.” ~ Sarah Palin

“‘Refudiate,’ ‘misunderestimate,’ ‘wee-wee’d up.’ English is a living language. Shakespeare liked to coin new words too. Got to celebrate it!’” ~ Sarah Palin

“Go back to what our founders and our founding documents meant — they’re quite clear — that we would create law based on the God of the bible and the Ten Commandments.” ~ Sarah Palin

“What I don’t know is what the unexpected might be.” ~ John McCain

“We have a lot of work to do. It’s a very hard struggle, particularly given the situation on the Iraq-Pakistan border.” ~ John McCain (the countries share no common border)

“I love California; I practically grew up in Phoenix.” ~ Dan Quayle

“If we took away women’s right to vote, we’d never have to worry about another Democrat president.” ~ Ann Coulter

”I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out under another, then under another Democrat president, Jimmy Carter. I’m not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it’s an interesting coincidence.” ~ Rep. Michele Bachmann

“We just want Jews to be perfected, as they say.” ~ Ann Coulter

“I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.” ~ George W. Bush

“Do you have blacks, too?” ~ George W. Bush

”We need to execute people like (John Walker Lindh) in order to physically intimidate liberals.” ~ Ann Coulter

“When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I’m just like, ‘Oh shut up’ I’m so sick of them because they’re always complaining.” ~ Glenn Beck

“I’ll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office.” ~ George W. Bush

“Well, I learned a lot….I went down to (Latin America) to find out from them and (learn) their views. You’d be surprised. They’re all individual countries” ~ Ronald Reagan

”I even accept for the sake of argument that sexual orgies eliminate social tensions and ought to be encouraged.’‘ ~ Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia

“Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?” ~ George W. Bush

“Exercise freaks … are the ones putting stress on the health care system.” ~ Rush Limbaugh

“As yesterday’s positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured.” ~ George W. Bush

“Good Christians, like slaves and soldiers, ask no questions.” ~ Jerry Falwell

“If this were a dictatorship, it’d be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I’m the dictator.” ~ George W. Bush

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” ~ Ronald Reagan

“Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them.” ~ Jerry Falwell

”It may be a blessing in disguise. … Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it. Haitians were originally under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon the third, or whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, we will serve you if you will get us free from the French. True story. And so, the devil said, okay it’s a deal. Ever since they have been cursed by one thing after the other.” ~ Pat Robertson

“AIDS is not just God’s punishment for homosexuals; it is God’s punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals.” ~Jerry Falwell

“Facts are stupid things.” ~ Ronald Reagan

“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.” ~ George W. Bush

“There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on –shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.” ~ George W. Bush

“Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren’t able to practice their love with women all across this country.” ~ George W. Bush

“Trees cause more pollution than automobiles.” ~ Ronald Reagan

“This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating.” ~ George W. Bush

“I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was not predictable when it started.” ~ Donald Rumsfeld

“She wears little eye-patch underwear. So, the other day she came here with her underwear, Thursday. And so, we had made love Wednesday–a lot! And so she’ll, she’s all, ‘I am going up and down the stairs, and you’re dripping out of me!’ So messy!” ~ State Rep. Mike Duvall (R-Calif.) on a live microphone referring to an affair with a lobbyist

“I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport.”  ~ George W. Bush

“I think I was unprepared for war.” ~ George W. Bush

~~~

The original article was labeled 50 Dumbest Quotes from Conservatives. I’d have to disagree, but it’s a good start.

Speaking of a lack of testicular fortitude…

From Bryan Fischer, from the SPLC-certified hate group American Family Association:

“If you look at the Scriptures, I believe it’s clear that God has designed men to exercise authority in the home, in the church, in society, and in government. So let me repeat that – that is my personal take on what the Scriptures indicate about the way God has designed man and woman to work: God has designed men to exercise leadership and authority and headship in the home, in the church, in society, and in government.

“Now then the question becomes what if God can’t find any men with the spine and with the testicular fortitude to provide the kind of leadership? Well, what he’ll do is He’ll send a woman to do a man’s job.

So according to this fine example of the Religious Right, you women out there all need to stay barefoot, pregnant, and submissive to the wills of the men in your life.

Riiiight.

Confessions of GOP politicians

ThinkProgress has an outstanding blog journal of the Republican candidates’ “debate” from Faux News last night.

Among the more interesting highlights:

9:07: Romney says he wouldn’t raise the debt ceiling without first rewriting the Constitution to make it impossible to fund Social Security, Medicare and the military at the same time.

9:12 Newt Gingrich rings in with first mention of Ronald Reagan at debate. Says Reagan’s 1981 tax cut led to seven years of growth. Gingrich failed to mention Reagan’s 1982 tax increase.

9:17: Pawlenty wants people to look at his record in Minnesota. Like one-third of his budget relying on the 2009 Recovery Act?

9:20 Bachmann says she “fought cap and trade” by introducing legislation to reverse lightbulb efficiency laws, which has nothing to do with a cap-and-trade system.

9:33: Cain chides Chris Wallace, tells him he never said that Americans have the right to ban mosques in their community. That’s exactly what he said–to Wallace.

9:35: Herman Cain says that a combination of “high fences and wide open doors” is the principle the country was founded on. In fact, immigration into the United States was completely unlimited until the 1882 Chinese Exclusion Act. Immigration from Latin America was unrestricted until the second half of the 20th century.

9:40: “I don’t believe in raising taxes,” Romney said. Yet in a 2004 presentation to Standard & Poor’s, his administration touted tax hikes as a reason that Massachusetts should get its credit rating raised to AA.

9:53: Romney said he would issue a waiver invalidating ObamaCare on his first day in office. A president doesn’t have that authority.

9:55: “I will not rest until we have a filibuster-proof Senate,” Bachmann said. Yeah, like that will happen.

9:57 Santorum scores with first gay-bashing of the night, taking a hit at Bachmann for saying that marriage should be left to the states. He generally attacks federalist themes from his fellow candidates “there are things the states can’t do,” cites Lincoln as an authority and appears to compare state-initiated marriage equality and Mitt Romney’s universal health care plan to slavery. “Does that mean that the state has the right to impose polygamy? To pass sterilization? No! We are a country based on morals.”

10:29: Byron York asks Bachmann if she would be submissive to her husband as president. Bachmann says that she interprets “submissive” to mean respect. That’s not what that word means to anyone else in the world.

10:36: Santorum says allowing a raped woman to receive an abortion would “put her through another trauma,” so we should force her to carry her rapist’s child for nine months instead.

10:56: In closing, Herman Cain cites a “poet’s” lyrics that “Life can be a challenge / life can seem impossible.” The poet? Disco singer Donna Summer.

Fallacious syllogism of the day

“I like chocolate chip ice cream, and I will continue to like chocolate chip ice cream. So there’s no worry about me changing to vanilla. I like to, you know, ride my motorcycle. What do you want me to do? You want me to change my behavior and ride a scooter? I’m not into that…People can change their sexual behavior. And I’ve seen people do that. I grew up in Atlanta, Georgia, so I’ve seen a very different perspective on human behaviors. So that’s where I’m coming from on that.”

If anyone can translate Representative Allen West’s little diatribe into English, let us all know.

Once again, morons, be careful what you ask for

The legislature and governor of Georgia didn’t want any more of those awful undocumented workers in their state.

So they passed HB87, which stiffened penalties for illegal aliens and those who hire them without checking for proper documents. (Shades of “Deinen papieren, bitte!”)

Guess what? The bill worked; illegals have been leaving the state in droves.

Guess what else? The multi-billion-dollar Georgia agricultural business has lost 11,000 workers, and farmers that have depended upon illegal laborers are about to lose their shirts.

The crops aren’t being harvested, and you’re not likely to find many Georgia peaches in your local grocery store later this summer.