“Detentions are looking very possible.”

From: Speaker of the House Principal John Boerner
To: Representative Sophomore Michele Bachmann
Re: Your excessive class absenteeism

Michele, we really need to do something about how often you are missing classes.

At the time you announced that you were running for class president, you were only  attending 2 of your 5 daily classes. I understand that you had notes from your parents excusing your absences, but 40% attendance is missing far too many classes. You and I have had several talks about this, and you keep promising me you’ll get better about this.

However, since your candidacy announcement it has gotten worse. You did not show up to class a single time in the entire month of September. Also, you have done very little, if any, of your homework.

This is inexcusable, and no way for a potential class president to behave.

Here’s the deal. You start showing up and doing your job (attending classes and getting your homework in and on time), and I’ll forgive your past transgressions and allow you to run for office. The other candidates (Mitt, Ricky, and Herman) are managing their workload and social life much more responsibly, and quite frankly they are showing the maturity necessary to handle the office of class president far better than you.

Come to my office at your first opportunity; we need to talk.


Principal John

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Today’s civics lesson

“Attention, class! Attention! Bobby, put down that piece of chalk. All right, let’s begin.

“Compare and contrast these two statements. The first is from North Carolina governor Bev Perdue:

“I think we ought to suspend, perhaps, elections for Congress for two years and just tell them we won’t hold it against them, whatever decisions they make, to just let them help this country recover. I really hope that someone can agree with me on that…you want people who don’t worry about the next election.”

“The second statement:”

“The House of Representatives shall be composed of Members chosen every second Year by the People of the several States, and the Electors in each State shall have the Qualifications requisite for Electors of the most numerous Branch of the State Legislature.”

“I think you will recognize Article 1, Section 2, of the Constitution.

“Please reconcile these two statements.

“Anyone? Anyone at all?”

(Perdue’s staff tried to walk the entire incident back the next morning, and rather lamely at that.)